It has been longer than I intended since my last update (I'm shooting for once a week; I missed). During that time there have been ups and downs, as to be expected. Responsibilities and stress at work continue to take their toll, sometimes in unexpected ways. It's easy for me to get caught up in that world, having most of my brain occupied with work, planning, thinking, writing out things. This means that I can often start neglecting other aspects, usually social ones, as I withdraw more and more.
Over the years I have really found that this is an easy trap to fall into. Having to consciously remember that there are, in fact, other things that I should be paying attention to. Neglecting things that really matter over things that are just transitory in the larger scheme. Evidence of that is right here in the tardiness of this post.
The biggest new development has been a fasting reading of under 100. It was just a datum, so not yet a trend (background information: fasting blood sugar levels under 100 is what a non-diabetic would expect to see and 126 and above is diabetic; my goal is under 110 for right now). This does show the overall picture of a general decrease in my fasting levels. I've still had some bad mornings and evenings (my goal is under 140 for two hours after dinner), but they are starting to be less common.
My fasting when I was first diagnosed last year was 312. My average fasting since I have started testing is 128 (not good yet, but worlds better). Since 11Mar2012 (last posting) the average fasting has been 120. My average evening since I started testing is 146 and since 11Mar2012 my evening average has been 143. Overall a downward trend, though I am still above both of my goals. There is one point that is skewing the evening results high (212 last night) and I cannot figure out exactly what caused it, though my suspicions are the craving for a taco salad. That mission was successful, in the end, but it did not end well. Suffice to say, I will be curbing any such cravings in the future.
Weight loss is proceeding well, I have officially lost 30 lbs as of this morning and am hoping to be under 230 lbs by the end of April. It is becoming more noticeable, or perhaps it is simply being noted more (?). Increasing in resistance is going slower than it was, but that really is to be expected. My attempts to deal with my underlying fear of food are having a net negative impact on my weight loss, but are helping with my overall sanity. For now that is winning since I am still actually losing weight. I am trying to deal with the whole issue on a holistic level, tackle the issues as a whole instead of individually: There is no point in getting healthy if I can no longer function effectively and a reduction in weight and increase in fitness should solve or at least make a solid step towards solving the rest of the associated issues.
It can be hard at times, though. I am the one that is responsible for all of the poor choices that I have made and continue to make and I tend to take all of that deeply to heart. Any failure is keenly felt. It doesn't help when expectations run high, from me and from others of me. It can be very difficult to live up to all of that; to accept that failure not only is a possibility, but sometimes and inevitability. I can accept the things that I cannot change, but the things that I can... I have to live with my inadequacies and that is not necessarily an easy thing to face.
Still, I have support from those around me and that counts for a lot. It also makes it even more difficult to let them down since they are the ones that most deserve my absolute best. Just have to keep moving forward and learn from the past, not dwell on it. I've been saying that to myself a lot lately. I think that it's starting to stick. I hope that it is.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Evaluation of Mistakes
The past week has not really showcased my best decisions during this process. My food choices were often poor and my exercise was comparatively lacking. I will get into more of those later on. Stress has also been a major factor; deadlines, projects, new responsibilities that I'm finding myself with, navigating unfamiliar social situations, as well as the growing sense of my own mortality. Time inexorably advances forward and I find myself officially a year older today. It simply reminds me of a time when I thought that being in my 20's was old, and now here I am. Older than that. Still so much to learn.
Stress is something that I am trying to deal with, but it's difficult. There is a lot going on and all signs point to it getting worse before it gets better. The projects that I am a major part of continue to accumulate, as do the meetings and the workload. Each becomes a priority and my role continues to grow larger. This is compounded with the leadership responsibilities that are becoming very real. I have people that now count on me to be present and active in their daily activities, to provide mentoring, training, oversight, supervision, quality checking, counseling... it goes on. My fierce protection of my lunch hour doesn't help and doesn't always make a lot of friends. The whole thing can be draining and I feel like I am failing them. When the phone keeps ringing with questions and I have other projects that demand my attention I can feel my patience wearing and I start to snap at people, and this is not fair for me to do. It's not their fault, they haven't done anything; they need help just like I once did. Hell, just like I still do.
Social situations aren't my strength. It takes so much effort to try and get people. I'm hard on myself for failing, but I have to be. If I'm not, then I won't get better. That's part of what this process about. Trying not to linger on that, but I still think about the person I cut off on Circle and King's just prior to Xmas heading home from work on a Thursday (if you're reading this, I'm very sorry and there was no excuse). These situations are just very unfamiliar ones and I'm never certain how to proceed. Putting myself out there can be hard, rejection isn't something that is easy to deal with, particularly when it is so easy to misread signal. One misstep and a stumble then it's quicksand, every moment feels like it goes deeper.
This digression really is to highlight things that were going on in this week for me. Food was once a source of comfort for me, for a time. Now, it's not. Now it can be a source of anxiety at best, fear at other times. I guess I tried to take comfort in it again and it was not a good idea. Promotions, holidays, birthdays, anything significant is celebrated with food. It makes sense, food has historically been scarce, the thing that we all work together for. We have a holiday that celebrates just food for the sake of having food. These activities don't work for me anymore. They cannot work for me anymore, but old habits, very old that are continually reinforced by society are very hard to break.
Tonight I had a blood glucose level of 233, which is the highest I have had since I was first tested last year. I broke my own rules, but I broke them in a big way. It's a lesson to me, that I have to stay vigilant against myself continually. I still lost my goal of one pound this week, but it was close; normally I lose a little more. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't do the cardio that I normally get to at the end of my workout. For two of those days it was that I went to the gym in the evening and it tends to be significantly busier (have I mentioned that I'm not at my best with a lot of people?) and my drive to push myself is wearing thin by then. Tuesday, I was there at the right time, but my meeting schedule was packed and I simply didn't have the time; lunch was consumed in three parts during time I could snatch between telecons.
Monday also held the first official meeting with my dietitian since my diabetes classes ended. She told me to eat more carbs. Carbs, the enemy. Other than that, she seemed reasonably pleased with my progress. In some actual good news, I managed to get my glucose levels below 110 fasting on two consecutive days this week. That is obviously not the case currently; this morning I was at 140, which is not a good place to be. My resistance for weights continues to go up, which seems to baffle my diabetes specialists (I think), who continually warn me of losing muscle mass. The vain piece of that is that these growing fellows that I haven't seen in a very long time are starting to stand out even more. My next scheduled visit with a medical professional is in mid-April, when I believe I will be getting my A1C, cholesterol, probably vitamin D, and whatever else needs to be tested. Here's to hoping that goes well.
This is all coming out much more depressing that I had really intended it to, but birthdays are conflicted times. I've made mistakes this week and I need to examine what I did and why, what I can do to prevent myself from making them again. Learn from them, not let them continually weigh me down. Looking forward, I know that I am very lucky to have the support that I do. If you're reading this, you are a part of that and thank you.
Stress is something that I am trying to deal with, but it's difficult. There is a lot going on and all signs point to it getting worse before it gets better. The projects that I am a major part of continue to accumulate, as do the meetings and the workload. Each becomes a priority and my role continues to grow larger. This is compounded with the leadership responsibilities that are becoming very real. I have people that now count on me to be present and active in their daily activities, to provide mentoring, training, oversight, supervision, quality checking, counseling... it goes on. My fierce protection of my lunch hour doesn't help and doesn't always make a lot of friends. The whole thing can be draining and I feel like I am failing them. When the phone keeps ringing with questions and I have other projects that demand my attention I can feel my patience wearing and I start to snap at people, and this is not fair for me to do. It's not their fault, they haven't done anything; they need help just like I once did. Hell, just like I still do.
Social situations aren't my strength. It takes so much effort to try and get people. I'm hard on myself for failing, but I have to be. If I'm not, then I won't get better. That's part of what this process about. Trying not to linger on that, but I still think about the person I cut off on Circle and King's just prior to Xmas heading home from work on a Thursday (if you're reading this, I'm very sorry and there was no excuse). These situations are just very unfamiliar ones and I'm never certain how to proceed. Putting myself out there can be hard, rejection isn't something that is easy to deal with, particularly when it is so easy to misread signal. One misstep and a stumble then it's quicksand, every moment feels like it goes deeper.
This digression really is to highlight things that were going on in this week for me. Food was once a source of comfort for me, for a time. Now, it's not. Now it can be a source of anxiety at best, fear at other times. I guess I tried to take comfort in it again and it was not a good idea. Promotions, holidays, birthdays, anything significant is celebrated with food. It makes sense, food has historically been scarce, the thing that we all work together for. We have a holiday that celebrates just food for the sake of having food. These activities don't work for me anymore. They cannot work for me anymore, but old habits, very old that are continually reinforced by society are very hard to break.
Tonight I had a blood glucose level of 233, which is the highest I have had since I was first tested last year. I broke my own rules, but I broke them in a big way. It's a lesson to me, that I have to stay vigilant against myself continually. I still lost my goal of one pound this week, but it was close; normally I lose a little more. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't do the cardio that I normally get to at the end of my workout. For two of those days it was that I went to the gym in the evening and it tends to be significantly busier (have I mentioned that I'm not at my best with a lot of people?) and my drive to push myself is wearing thin by then. Tuesday, I was there at the right time, but my meeting schedule was packed and I simply didn't have the time; lunch was consumed in three parts during time I could snatch between telecons.
Monday also held the first official meeting with my dietitian since my diabetes classes ended. She told me to eat more carbs. Carbs, the enemy. Other than that, she seemed reasonably pleased with my progress. In some actual good news, I managed to get my glucose levels below 110 fasting on two consecutive days this week. That is obviously not the case currently; this morning I was at 140, which is not a good place to be. My resistance for weights continues to go up, which seems to baffle my diabetes specialists (I think), who continually warn me of losing muscle mass. The vain piece of that is that these growing fellows that I haven't seen in a very long time are starting to stand out even more. My next scheduled visit with a medical professional is in mid-April, when I believe I will be getting my A1C, cholesterol, probably vitamin D, and whatever else needs to be tested. Here's to hoping that goes well.
This is all coming out much more depressing that I had really intended it to, but birthdays are conflicted times. I've made mistakes this week and I need to examine what I did and why, what I can do to prevent myself from making them again. Learn from them, not let them continually weigh me down. Looking forward, I know that I am very lucky to have the support that I do. If you're reading this, you are a part of that and thank you.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
More Currently: Where Am I?
So I've talked, probably at some length, about how I got to where I am and some of the changes that I have made. Where does that bring me to?
Part of the tale includes my blood pressure and cholesterol. When I went to my follow-up two weeks later (Dr. Robert Hughes, pretty much an awesome guy and I think he's a huge nerd), I found out some good news. My blood pressure had cleared up and was now normal. Maybe on the high end of normal, but normal (120 over 79, or something. Did I mention I'm not a doctor?). My cholesterol wasn't in the danger zone, but my LDL (bat cholesterol) was on the high end and my HDL (good cholesterol) was on the low end. This gave me a ratio of... 6.9, I think. Which is just under dangerous. This should inform some of what my diet post was talking about.
Dr. Hughes also related some of the dangers of my situation, but was also pleased with the changes I had made already and if I could stick to them. It was relieving to finally have someone actually offer guidance. I still had not heard from the diabetes specialists at this point and that was making me nervous and afraid. We talked about where I was going and what I wanted to stay away from.
I finally saw the diabetes specialists about a month ago. The training was... a trail in patience at times. I found that I am not well equipped to deal with "normal" people in classroom setting. This is an issue that I have been warned about previously, but it really hit home. What did come of this is that I finally got a glucometer and instructions to test my blood sugar when I wake up, before eating, and ~2 hours after eating dinner. My goals for those are <110 in the morning and <140 in the evening.
When I tested on the spot, I was 139. That was amazing. Particularly considering where I had started. I've been diligent about this and find that I'm doing reasonably well in the evening. Reasonably. Not perfectly, just reasonably. And I'm okay with that for right now. It's small victories that will win this war. My morning numbers are a different tale. They are often equal to, or higher than, my evening numbers. This isn't uncommon and relates to the fact that, basically, my body has broken. I'm trying to fix it, but right now things aren't working right and particularly when relating to the other bits. Type 2 Diabetes is sometimes called insulin resistance, it has other names, but what they all come down to is that my body no longer interacts with the insulin it produces appropriately. The difference between Type 1 and 2 is that 2 still produces insulin, whereas 1 doesn't. With Type 2 it may be that it is being utilized in appropriately, that I'm not making enough, that it isn't working like it should, etc. At night, when I'm alseep, my liver will try to regulate my glucose by releasing more into my blood since I'm not eating. Which my body doesn't cope with real well at this time.
To stymie this, the specialists upped my evening metformin dose, doubling it, and suggested that I investigate either exercising before bed or a snack. I'm not a fan of anything in that last sentence. The bonus metformin was a reminder that I had actually mostly gotten used to that stuff and what it was like when I first started taking it (exciting and explosive are words that come to mind). The snack is... well, still afraid of food. Still afraid of what it can do to me and afraid of gaining weight back. And I still don't like exercise. This is an issue that I'm grappling with and really haven't conducted enough tests to know what the best answer is. Other than it seems the metformin increase hasn't don't much thus far.
In the two months that I've been doing all of this, I have lost 25 pounds so far. Which is exciting. That puts me at 239 lbs (I rounded down so that I could feel better and get a nice round number). None of my clothes fit well anymore, except for the ones that didn't fit well previously and they're actually looking not bad. It's noticeable. I had to get a new belt and my pants are evidently moving into the clown/cartoonish realm. Shirts aren't as big of a deal yet. Next time I'm at the doctor (in April), I will be getting my official A1C with new labs for glucose and cholesterol. I'd really like to see marked improvement for both of those.
The bad news is that the neuropathy in my right foot hasn't gotten any better and it has spread to my left foot. I'm not absolutely certain it spread, it may just be that I am more aware of these things now. It's not as bad, but still... it is worrisome. I also found that my Vitamin D levels are terrifyingly low; I'm taking 6000 IU a day until they get to "normal". I will likely still have to supplement that as my lifestyle doesn't really involve lots of time in the sun. Oregon in the winter is a wonderful excuse, but that's what it is, an excuse. Maybe by the time outdoors is an option I will have changed my mind. I hope.
Part of the tale includes my blood pressure and cholesterol. When I went to my follow-up two weeks later (Dr. Robert Hughes, pretty much an awesome guy and I think he's a huge nerd), I found out some good news. My blood pressure had cleared up and was now normal. Maybe on the high end of normal, but normal (120 over 79, or something. Did I mention I'm not a doctor?). My cholesterol wasn't in the danger zone, but my LDL (bat cholesterol) was on the high end and my HDL (good cholesterol) was on the low end. This gave me a ratio of... 6.9, I think. Which is just under dangerous. This should inform some of what my diet post was talking about.
Dr. Hughes also related some of the dangers of my situation, but was also pleased with the changes I had made already and if I could stick to them. It was relieving to finally have someone actually offer guidance. I still had not heard from the diabetes specialists at this point and that was making me nervous and afraid. We talked about where I was going and what I wanted to stay away from.
I finally saw the diabetes specialists about a month ago. The training was... a trail in patience at times. I found that I am not well equipped to deal with "normal" people in classroom setting. This is an issue that I have been warned about previously, but it really hit home. What did come of this is that I finally got a glucometer and instructions to test my blood sugar when I wake up, before eating, and ~2 hours after eating dinner. My goals for those are <110 in the morning and <140 in the evening.
When I tested on the spot, I was 139. That was amazing. Particularly considering where I had started. I've been diligent about this and find that I'm doing reasonably well in the evening. Reasonably. Not perfectly, just reasonably. And I'm okay with that for right now. It's small victories that will win this war. My morning numbers are a different tale. They are often equal to, or higher than, my evening numbers. This isn't uncommon and relates to the fact that, basically, my body has broken. I'm trying to fix it, but right now things aren't working right and particularly when relating to the other bits. Type 2 Diabetes is sometimes called insulin resistance, it has other names, but what they all come down to is that my body no longer interacts with the insulin it produces appropriately. The difference between Type 1 and 2 is that 2 still produces insulin, whereas 1 doesn't. With Type 2 it may be that it is being utilized in appropriately, that I'm not making enough, that it isn't working like it should, etc. At night, when I'm alseep, my liver will try to regulate my glucose by releasing more into my blood since I'm not eating. Which my body doesn't cope with real well at this time.
To stymie this, the specialists upped my evening metformin dose, doubling it, and suggested that I investigate either exercising before bed or a snack. I'm not a fan of anything in that last sentence. The bonus metformin was a reminder that I had actually mostly gotten used to that stuff and what it was like when I first started taking it (exciting and explosive are words that come to mind). The snack is... well, still afraid of food. Still afraid of what it can do to me and afraid of gaining weight back. And I still don't like exercise. This is an issue that I'm grappling with and really haven't conducted enough tests to know what the best answer is. Other than it seems the metformin increase hasn't don't much thus far.
In the two months that I've been doing all of this, I have lost 25 pounds so far. Which is exciting. That puts me at 239 lbs (I rounded down so that I could feel better and get a nice round number). None of my clothes fit well anymore, except for the ones that didn't fit well previously and they're actually looking not bad. It's noticeable. I had to get a new belt and my pants are evidently moving into the clown/cartoonish realm. Shirts aren't as big of a deal yet. Next time I'm at the doctor (in April), I will be getting my official A1C with new labs for glucose and cholesterol. I'd really like to see marked improvement for both of those.
The bad news is that the neuropathy in my right foot hasn't gotten any better and it has spread to my left foot. I'm not absolutely certain it spread, it may just be that I am more aware of these things now. It's not as bad, but still... it is worrisome. I also found that my Vitamin D levels are terrifyingly low; I'm taking 6000 IU a day until they get to "normal". I will likely still have to supplement that as my lifestyle doesn't really involve lots of time in the sun. Oregon in the winter is a wonderful excuse, but that's what it is, an excuse. Maybe by the time outdoors is an option I will have changed my mind. I hope.
Diet: Back to Basics
The other major part of what I'm doing to fix my body is my diet. Sugar, in particular, and carbs, in general, are obviously a problem. I'm reducing, but not eliminating them (unless thy name is sucrose, in which case you've been voted off This Island Morgan). Super low carb/no carb diets always make me wary because of some of the side effects of ketosis. Which can include poor judgement. Which seems like a dangerous thing to have problems with when evaluating if you should stop continuing with the dangerous, but effective, diet you're engaged in.
Dairy is pretty much right out. It doesn't bring anything to the party that I actually want or need. Fat, cholesterol (the bad kind) and sugar. Cheese and cream sauces are delicious, but the Calories are dense and everything that comes with them only leads to systemic degeneration. Milk is often purported as a source of calcium (good for the bones; do not ignore the bones!), but ironically it only does the opposite. The lactose causes your system to become acidic. This leads your body to want to neutralize that and more to normal pH levels. The most available source of calcium to do this with is your bones.
I'm reducing meat considerably. It's another dense source of calories and I want to reduce those; allow myself to feel full and actually get the right caloric intake for my goals. Also, it's a source of fat and cholesterol. Cholesterol that comes from animals, and only animals (this includes humans, so anthrophages take note), is pretty much one of the worst things that you can put in your body. The amount of protein that I actually need, even when building muscle, is considerably less than what meat gives me. I have no need of that much protein. Unfortunately, I, uh, still like meat. So I allow myself some, not a lot, just some, every now and again. A little every day. I'm trying to slowly reduce that. Not uncommon for me to have under 100 grams of roasted, skinless turkey in my lunch at work. I'm lucky in that I've never been a fan of skin as a food; it's terrible to eat.
Vegetables are an every day thing. They may be bitter, but they are my mainstay at this point. There aren't a lot of Calories in there and I do need to think about ensuring that I get enough of those. They do bring a lot of good things and fill me up so that I'm not thinking about other foods as much. I also have to resist the temptation to douse them in salad dressing. I limit myself to two tablespoons of Kraft Fat Free Zesty Italian. It has the least calories and carbs of anything that actually has flavor. Stay away from salad spritzers. At best they taste like water with a weird texture. At worst, well, we won't talk about "at worst". Kids could be reading this. For lunch at work each day I pack a salad with red leaf lettuce, bell pepper, cucumber, celery and broccoli. Sometimes carrots. They have a lot of sugar and I am wary of them. I'm still afraid of food. I will often have the same at home on weekends and for dinner. Also remarkably cheap even out of season.
Today was the first day that I've had fruit this year. I had half and apple. It was freakin' delicious. Honeycrisp, if you're curious. If you haven't had that delightful fruit, you should fix that. Now. Seriously, this blog will still be here, but every moment you haven't had a honeycrisp apple is one that your life is incomplete. However, the whole time I was worried about the sugar. I shouldn't have been, but I was. It's important to avoid fruit juices; they pretty much condense everything bad in a fruit and remove all of the actual good stuff in it.
That really leaves the carbs. I still have Cheerios every morning. One cup. I put them in half a cup of almond milk (I prefer unsweetened). The whole grains are important. Rice is always brown or wild. Beans, always rehydrate yourself and avoid pre-canned. There's less question of how much fat and sodium is in there. I do love some red beans and rice, so that works out for me. Unfortunately a lot of what I liked to put on them doesn't. Salsa is more of a staple than it used to be.
On the whole, this is a category that I'm really still trying to figure out. Ideally I would like to move to a "whole food" type of diet. Ideally I would also like to enjoy what I eat somewhat and taste it. These two ideals are in conflict, as ideals often are, until I can find some recipes that work for me. I still cheat on food at times, for example tonight we had Chinese, but I try to be more responsible about it (nothing fried for me; except for those spring rolls, but we can keep that between us). That also has the advantage of tricking my body into thinking that it isn't actually starving and doesn't need to conserve energy constantly. I think. I hope. I'm going to go with that's right for now; it sounds good, doesn't it?
Dairy is pretty much right out. It doesn't bring anything to the party that I actually want or need. Fat, cholesterol (the bad kind) and sugar. Cheese and cream sauces are delicious, but the Calories are dense and everything that comes with them only leads to systemic degeneration. Milk is often purported as a source of calcium (good for the bones; do not ignore the bones!), but ironically it only does the opposite. The lactose causes your system to become acidic. This leads your body to want to neutralize that and more to normal pH levels. The most available source of calcium to do this with is your bones.
I'm reducing meat considerably. It's another dense source of calories and I want to reduce those; allow myself to feel full and actually get the right caloric intake for my goals. Also, it's a source of fat and cholesterol. Cholesterol that comes from animals, and only animals (this includes humans, so anthrophages take note), is pretty much one of the worst things that you can put in your body. The amount of protein that I actually need, even when building muscle, is considerably less than what meat gives me. I have no need of that much protein. Unfortunately, I, uh, still like meat. So I allow myself some, not a lot, just some, every now and again. A little every day. I'm trying to slowly reduce that. Not uncommon for me to have under 100 grams of roasted, skinless turkey in my lunch at work. I'm lucky in that I've never been a fan of skin as a food; it's terrible to eat.
Vegetables are an every day thing. They may be bitter, but they are my mainstay at this point. There aren't a lot of Calories in there and I do need to think about ensuring that I get enough of those. They do bring a lot of good things and fill me up so that I'm not thinking about other foods as much. I also have to resist the temptation to douse them in salad dressing. I limit myself to two tablespoons of Kraft Fat Free Zesty Italian. It has the least calories and carbs of anything that actually has flavor. Stay away from salad spritzers. At best they taste like water with a weird texture. At worst, well, we won't talk about "at worst". Kids could be reading this. For lunch at work each day I pack a salad with red leaf lettuce, bell pepper, cucumber, celery and broccoli. Sometimes carrots. They have a lot of sugar and I am wary of them. I'm still afraid of food. I will often have the same at home on weekends and for dinner. Also remarkably cheap even out of season.
Today was the first day that I've had fruit this year. I had half and apple. It was freakin' delicious. Honeycrisp, if you're curious. If you haven't had that delightful fruit, you should fix that. Now. Seriously, this blog will still be here, but every moment you haven't had a honeycrisp apple is one that your life is incomplete. However, the whole time I was worried about the sugar. I shouldn't have been, but I was. It's important to avoid fruit juices; they pretty much condense everything bad in a fruit and remove all of the actual good stuff in it.
That really leaves the carbs. I still have Cheerios every morning. One cup. I put them in half a cup of almond milk (I prefer unsweetened). The whole grains are important. Rice is always brown or wild. Beans, always rehydrate yourself and avoid pre-canned. There's less question of how much fat and sodium is in there. I do love some red beans and rice, so that works out for me. Unfortunately a lot of what I liked to put on them doesn't. Salsa is more of a staple than it used to be.
On the whole, this is a category that I'm really still trying to figure out. Ideally I would like to move to a "whole food" type of diet. Ideally I would also like to enjoy what I eat somewhat and taste it. These two ideals are in conflict, as ideals often are, until I can find some recipes that work for me. I still cheat on food at times, for example tonight we had Chinese, but I try to be more responsible about it (nothing fried for me; except for those spring rolls, but we can keep that between us). That also has the advantage of tricking my body into thinking that it isn't actually starving and doesn't need to conserve energy constantly. I think. I hope. I'm going to go with that's right for now; it sounds good, doesn't it?
Friday, March 2, 2012
Exercise: I Love It When a Plan Comes Together
On 29 Dec 2011 I had already been back to my gym (Snap Fitness, if you're curious) and gotten a new workout plan. One that was less extensive, easier for me to keep up with during the time that I have available. My old plan was a weight circuit, high reps, just a lot of different activities. It was easy to collide with another person and then I would have issues altering my own schedule. I'm not saying it was rational, I'm just owning my own irrationality.
My new plan was just five exercises with a MWF schedule and a TTh schedule. If I missed a day, I would just push things back and have to come in on the weekend. I can say with pride that has happened only once because I jacked up my foot somehow during the night and had to stay home. Apparently if I stay home from work because max speed is a stumbling hobble I cannot go workout even if it is upper body day. MWF I do bench, seated row, shoulder press, shoulder pull-down and sumo deadlifts. The shoulder exercises still make me feel like a noodley child, though I'm getting a lot better. TTh is leg press, row, squats, chest press and sumo deadlifts. I try to finish off every workout with 10 minutes of cardio. I prefer the recumbent elliptical, but will go on a treadmill at a brisk pace with lots of elevation if that's not available. On weekends, if I go in, I just do cardio, 10 min for any given activity.
I've managed to keep this schedule, always going at least five days a week. I make the time for it. If I don't go during my lunch (15 min has always been enough to eat), which is sometimes the case, then I go in the evening. I make myself go. I have to go. If I miss even one day, I know that it is so easy to slide back into the mentality that missing one day isn't a big deal. It's a huge deal and it has to be. Every single day is progress. I've found that keeping things attainable, schedules that you can actually keep to, setting yourself up to succeed, not fail, at so important in this process. At least for me. That's what I'm doing. Sometimes I think about getting ambitious and putting a new plan together that will do more. Work more muscles. Lose more weight. More. More. More. More chances to fail. More opportunities to let something slide. It's not about doing more. Not for me. It's about being consistent and forming habits.
In doing research on my condition, building muscles is so important. Not just big, bulky muscles, but lean ones, aerobic ones. They require more oxygen, require more energy. All of this helps get sugar out of your blood and increase your metabolism. It begins the process of rebuilding your body. I've been doing this for two months and I can already tell a difference. Everything is... firmer. Biceps, triceps, forearms, calves, back. I'm down to a small B cup now and, why abs! Hello, it's been so long! I can actually clearly see some definition there. I have so much more energy, I feel better now than I have in a decade.
Seriously, as mentioned in a previous post, I hate exercising. I really do. Also, as I mentioned in a previous post, it's not about what I hate and what I don't. It's about what I need to do. This is something that I need to do. It's not easy and that's okay. Things that always seem to be worth doing aren't easy. Not if you mean them, at least.
I will get to diet in my next post, which probably has some kind of effect on this whole process, but the exercise is important to couple with the diet. Circuit training in particular; it keeps your heart-rate up while allowing your muscles to rest between exercises. Probably old news at this point. The important thing is that you need to maintain your muscles when losing weight, otherwise your body will cannibalize them along with your fat and, well, we're already making sacrifices, just take that extra step and supercharge the whole affair. Diet and exercise, who'd have thought of that? Not me a few months ago.
Inevitability and Fear
My big effort to get in shape at the beginning of 2011 fell prey to a massive undertaking at work, getting a submission to the FDA in. I swear, I almost killed myself getting that done. The lab work was grueling, along with the organization of the project to ensure that the timeline (calling it "aggressive" doesn't do it justice) was maintained. I thought that I had to get it done and that it would be worth it when I did. I did and it wasn't. All it did was set the stage for future expectations which took me ever more away from any opportunity to get to the gym. Secretly, maybe I was happy.
I still don't really like working out. It's never really makes me feel great. Not directly of course. But then again, none of this is because I like doing it. It's because I no longer have the right to do something just because I want to. I pissed that away over the previous decades. Now we're at things that I have to do. If I want to have any quality of life in these remaining years, this is all what I have to do. I digress.
It's entirely possible that I was simply looking for a good excuse to remove myself from the gym, an irritating place (still is, I don't like people and have obsessive/compulsive issues with interrupted routines; this makes the gym frustrating often). Living far outside of town meant that I didn't have to go in after I got home. Or on weekends. Or ever. Did I mention that my symptoms continued to get worse?
It was getting to the point, particularly last summer, that deep down I knew I was diabetic. There was no denying it. Except that I did. At every turn. I couldn't be diabetic, because I was too young and that would suck a lot. I would have to change everything that I did, give up everything that I loved and lead some sort of hollow existence. If I just ignored it, pretended that I wasn't, then it couldn't hurt me. I had ostriched myself. Fear is a powerful motivator. I was afraid. I still am. Diabetes is scary and it's not easy. Which is why I'm here.
Weight started slowly falling off, which, given that I really hadn't change my lifestyle at all, was another warning sign. Thirst at work was... troubling. I spent a lot of time moving between water coolers and bathrooms. It came to a head towards the end of December. I don't know when it started, but I do remember noticing that my right food was a little numb. Like it was asleep. All of the time. This was probably the case back in my old place where it was cold all of the time, but my new house tended towards warm. This was not right in my world. This was the moment that I had to face all of my fears and acknowledge the painful truth that I had been avoiding for so very long.
An appointment was scheduled, 27 Dec 2012, and the doctor (Dr. Pam Trimmer, lovely person) set up some labs for me for me on the following Friday, 29 Dec 2012. This was the first time in over a decade that I had used a scale. 264 lbs. That's a big freaking number. Not as bad as I feared. I'm glad that I never actually saw myself hit 300 lbs. I may have, but I doubt it; I think that 280 lbs was probably my biggest. Which is far too large for someone my size. Really, for most anyone of any size.
Friday blood was drawn and urine sample taken. It was a fasting glucose test and, a little background information here, you want to be in at under 100 on this. Between 100 and 126 is pre-diabetes. It means that unless you change your life, you won't be pre anymore. I was 312. That is another big number. That is a terrifying number. I was called first thing Monday morning to notify me of that. Also that I had protein in my urine and high blood pressure. The former means that my obscene glucose levels were likely already chewing away at my kidneys. I happen to like my kidneys. She proscribed me a glucophage, metformin, and blood pressure meds.
Metformin is not super pleasant to be taking. It's apparently hard on the kidneys. That's a fact that causes me no small amount of stress. It's also hard on life. The medication affects a number of different aspects of your body, including your liver function and how your body absorbs sugars from your intestines. Probably some other stuff too, but I'm not a pharmacist or doctor. It's that last part which is particularly unpleasant. Especially when you first start. All things considered, I was very lucky with the side effects. From what I've learned, metformin is by far the most gentle of the diabetic meds on the market.
A follow up appointment was scheduled and my paperwork to get counseling was initiated. That's a lot to take in when you've just woken up (02 Jan 2012 was a holiday for me... yay). I was scared. So terrified. I knew that I was diabetic. I just didn't know it was that bad. That's... bad. Really bad. My blood was swimming in sugar. All of tiny little razors slicing things up inside. Fear is a tricky thing to deal with. Normally when it's external, it's something that I can at least begin to address. But I was afraid of myself. I still am. I'm afraid of the consequences of all of the decisions that I make. So far I don't have a long track record of making good ones in this realm.
Food became a source of fear and anxiety. I didn't trust it. It had failed me; I had failed myself. Six months ago this blog would more likely have been a verbose discussion of epicurean delights. I love to cook. Loved. I don't anymore, not really. I hope that I will again someday, but it's hard. All I do is look at what I'm allowing myself to have against what I used to have. The contrast is... well, it's significant. During that initial time I slashed what I was eating. Carbs were the enemy and I didn't understand, not really. I had no guidance, no guidelines, nothing to help me get back to healthy. Those two weeks were not a good time. I don't know what others went through after diagnosis, but prior to a follow-up.
My diet became Cheerios in milk, green salads and soup. I was eating under 700 Calories a day. To maintain my, admittedly unhealthy, weight required over 2700 Calories a day. This was very dangerous behavior as well. Luckily, nothing bad came of it, at least nothing that I know of yet. The metformin was wreaking havoc on my system and I never received the blood pressure meds. Best way to reduce blood pressure? It's not stress someone with high blood pressure by not sending in the meds; well, maybe it is.
In the Beginning...
I don't believe that much of what is going to be in this... journal, I guess. Cautionary tale, perhaps? Regardless, I don't believe that it is unique to me. There are many, many people that are going through what I am and many more that will. It's my hope in doing this that maybe I can help someone, even if they just know that they aren't alone. According to Kermit it's not easy being green. For this, let's equate "green" to "diabetic". It's not.
For a brief introduction, my name is Morgan and I was diagnosed at the beginning of this year with Type 2 Diabetes. This did not come as a shock. Finally, after almost 31 years, I've decided to stop ignoring what I've been doing to my body (slowly killing it, as it turns out). I've never been a drinker (of alcohol, we don't get along) or engaged in any sort of drug use or smoked. Those who knew me "in the day" may be happy to know that those aspects haven't changed. Maybe not. By some measures I've made healthy decisions. That's not really the beginning, just something to frame this with.
For all of my life, I've never been skinny. At best, kindly described as husky. High school had mandatory physical education and sports, which turned out to be a good thing. Along with concerts, dancing, bands, all of those youthful activities. I was in the 170 - 180 lbs range then; wrestling tended to promote a certain awareness of your weight. A little on the short and broad side, but I could still fit into XL easily, I never really put being trim in the cards or made it a priority.
College was a turning point in this regard. A pretty bad one and, again, this isn't anything special to me. Classwork from engineering was demanding and I couldn't (perhaps wouldn't, in all honesty) find the time to take care of myself like I should. Pretty much no physical activity beyond walking around campus, which was probably a couple miles every day, but not really at a pace that got the heart working, and a metabolism that was slowing down. Unfortunately, my appetite declined to follow suit. My eating habits were terrible; likely one meal a day, perhaps two, but they were bigger than they should have been (larger portions are cheaper) and often right at the end of the day. Which was typically around midnight to 2 am.
I've always tended towards those hours, which has created its own set of problems that we'll get to soon, and that schedule isn't good. Effectively starving during the day with a big meal was inviting my body to slow everything down and start storing all of the energy it could. It took that invitation in a big way. The things that I did eat were generally garbage. Big piles of meat, oil, carbs, sugar, and very little in the way of vegetables. Sadly, not uncommon. I know someone that got scurvy. Scurvy. The problems besetting the British Navy of the 17 century are still going on. Pirates are in Somalia now, but that's besides the point.
The poor sleep made me irritable, drowsy and I cannot imagine that it actually helped my weight issue in any way. Pretty sure it made a bad situation worse. During this time I slowly, or not-so-slowly, climbed to the range of 3XL. I don't actually know how much I weighed; I had little interest in the lies the scale would tell me. (Painful truths; it's hard to face your own obvious inadequacy in ways you aren't willing to change. Maybe not you, but it is for me.)
After college, a real job and marriage I started eating better. Fast food was cut from the diet. Less fried food, more vegetables. And on-again, off-again relationship with the gym. I was losing a little weight during this time. Not much, but in all I thought that I was doing good. It was also during this time that symptoms started to set in. Nighttime urination was the biggest, in hindsight, coupled with thirst. It was actually almost a joke that wherever we lived, I had to have easy access to the bathroom from the bed. The thirst, well, that was quenched with soda. Man, do I love a tasty beverage. Never alcohol, but something sweet and cold; not really a big fan of sweets in other forms. Turns out that this is a poor decision if you have a family history of diabetes.
My life was still sedentary by any standard. I've never been afraid to walk around and would have to regularly climb the stairs at work, but I still effectively had a desk job and made no real effort to move around. As time progressed, my symptoms did the same. Drowsiness started to become an issue; I started consuming an energy drink every day when I got home. This was just concealing larger issues and I would still be sleepy at times. I always made excuses about why I wouldn't do things to do something about my health. Work was a big one; I never had time to take off from work. While that was true, I could have done more to make time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)