It has been longer than I intended since my last update (I'm shooting for once a week; I missed). During that time there have been ups and downs, as to be expected. Responsibilities and stress at work continue to take their toll, sometimes in unexpected ways. It's easy for me to get caught up in that world, having most of my brain occupied with work, planning, thinking, writing out things. This means that I can often start neglecting other aspects, usually social ones, as I withdraw more and more.
Over the years I have really found that this is an easy trap to fall into. Having to consciously remember that there are, in fact, other things that I should be paying attention to. Neglecting things that really matter over things that are just transitory in the larger scheme. Evidence of that is right here in the tardiness of this post.
The biggest new development has been a fasting reading of under 100. It was just a datum, so not yet a trend (background information: fasting blood sugar levels under 100 is what a non-diabetic would expect to see and 126 and above is diabetic; my goal is under 110 for right now). This does show the overall picture of a general decrease in my fasting levels. I've still had some bad mornings and evenings (my goal is under 140 for two hours after dinner), but they are starting to be less common.
My fasting when I was first diagnosed last year was 312. My average fasting since I have started testing is 128 (not good yet, but worlds better). Since 11Mar2012 (last posting) the average fasting has been 120. My average evening since I started testing is 146 and since 11Mar2012 my evening average has been 143. Overall a downward trend, though I am still above both of my goals. There is one point that is skewing the evening results high (212 last night) and I cannot figure out exactly what caused it, though my suspicions are the craving for a taco salad. That mission was successful, in the end, but it did not end well. Suffice to say, I will be curbing any such cravings in the future.
Weight loss is proceeding well, I have officially lost 30 lbs as of this morning and am hoping to be under 230 lbs by the end of April. It is becoming more noticeable, or perhaps it is simply being noted more (?). Increasing in resistance is going slower than it was, but that really is to be expected. My attempts to deal with my underlying fear of food are having a net negative impact on my weight loss, but are helping with my overall sanity. For now that is winning since I am still actually losing weight. I am trying to deal with the whole issue on a holistic level, tackle the issues as a whole instead of individually: There is no point in getting healthy if I can no longer function effectively and a reduction in weight and increase in fitness should solve or at least make a solid step towards solving the rest of the associated issues.
It can be hard at times, though. I am the one that is responsible for all of the poor choices that I have made and continue to make and I tend to take all of that deeply to heart. Any failure is keenly felt. It doesn't help when expectations run high, from me and from others of me. It can be very difficult to live up to all of that; to accept that failure not only is a possibility, but sometimes and inevitability. I can accept the things that I cannot change, but the things that I can... I have to live with my inadequacies and that is not necessarily an easy thing to face.
Still, I have support from those around me and that counts for a lot. It also makes it even more difficult to let them down since they are the ones that most deserve my absolute best. Just have to keep moving forward and learn from the past, not dwell on it. I've been saying that to myself a lot lately. I think that it's starting to stick. I hope that it is.
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